Friday, March 24, 2017


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It’s been many many months since I came by here, which is unfortunate, but very necessary. I had  pushed out of my mind how intense and rough the first few months can be after birthing a baby. They call it the 4th trimester? I wouldn’t want to continue being pregnant for another 3 months, but part of me wouldn’t mind considering it if it meant these babies could come out just a tad more prepared for being alive. The gas! The crying! For the love of Justin Beiber, let these poor babies be fully functioning when they exit. It’s sad to watch and very hard on us parents who get the babies who don’t deal well with it (Penelope was a baby that dealt very well with it).
It’s been a little rough. Isla is the cutest baby and with great cuteness comes great responsibility to be the fussiest baby around to even things out. Her cuteness is her defense mechanism against getting sent to the cute baby circus at 3am. She isn't my worst baby at all. Chloe and Piper were worse!! Slowly, s.l.o.w.l.y., things will improve but it ill be touch and go here for a while. I cry when she does. We do all the things, yet nothing helps enough. I have days where I literally need to hold and wear her all day while she screams near my ears and by the time Adam gets home I am at hot mess level orange and Piper Penelope and Chloe are sitting in front of the television eating their third pack of fruit snacks because whatthehellever kids I’m just so sorry your sister loves screaming like a banshee and your mom yells a lot. Super sorry.
She’ll be 2 months old this week.  I feel like when this was my first baby I was in the abyss of my own tears trying to figure out what is wrong with her and wondering if it will ever end. But I’ve had one of these things before, and even though I think she was a different baby than Chloe, and even Piper I do know that all babies even out eventually and that there is a light somewhere down there. I’m hanging in there because I know that. But I know there are many new moms out there in my spot who may feel alone and overwhelmed and so to you I say, you are doing amazing. This too shall pass. It will get better. It feels like it won’t but it will. No one can promise when, but it will.

What is really hard to swallow is the mom guilt. Knowing I am spread so thin, that everyone is only getting a piece of me, and that is all I have to give right now. Of this I feel the worst. For now she needs both of my hands, and everyone else gets a pinkie. But I have learned to get help. My mom is helpful, and I have a babysitter 2x a week for a couple of hours to run my errands without 3 little people screaming and whining, just one baby who if I wrap up just so in her Solly carrier will let me walk through Target as I rush to grab everything I need before she decides to wake. 
I’ve found that as she slowly gets better, I also will get better at coping. Does she have reflux?but nothing is really wrong with her that we can “fix”. She’s a baby, she’s new, and she cries. Some babies are just like that. It doesn’t make it any easier, but coming to terms with that is lifting the anxiety. Knowing that I’ve done all the things I can to make her comfortable and that after that she’s just going to yell if she wants to, has made my days feel easier Accepting that this time is so short in the grand scheme and that my house will be a mess and I will be a mess right now and someday maybe it won’t and maybe I wont, has helped. And I can’t be sure but I think my relaxing lately has helped her as well. I’m sure she could sense my anxiety because even though they are new, babies are smart like that.
So here we are at 8 weeks and a combination of me relaxing, her insides maturing, and quite simply, time, will give me the ability to do things like eat, clean up the house, and open my computer. I will get to enjoy my baby, which I feel like I have been kind of robbed of for a while. I know lots of babies cry for much longer and things could be much, much worse, but I still feel that way. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. Being a new mom is really f*** hard even in the most lovely of circumstances. You’re doing okay, and so will I.