I am so thankful

To my Itty bitty-

Sometimes I can't find the words to express what I feel. Sometimes I am too full of emotion to know exactly what I am feeling. You hear 'motherhood is tough.' And it is. Before I had you, I didn't really understand. But then you came into my life. It's the emotional side of it. It's tough. I'm always wondering how you'll turn out, if I'm doing things right. I am a mess when it comes to you. I see myself in you. You're mine. And that's emotionally draining because I want to be the best for you, and hope that I am, but I'm always analyzing myself. And for these reasons in pops the saying 'motherhood is tough.' You'll never know what I'm talking about until you have your babies, Chloe. But for all the trying, emotional uncertainty it brings, along with it comes FAR more JOY! I am so happy being your guardian. I love being your mom and feel so grateful. My darling daughter, I ALWAYS wanted to be your mother. When I was little I used to play with all of my dolls and hold them and cuddle them, and dream of having one of my own. I loved the honor of carrying you in my tummy. I LOVED being pregnant with you. I never felt so important as I did when I was blessed to have the oppertunity to carry you. The first three months of your life were difficult for me, but so worth it! Now you are my smiling, cooing, cubby little miss and I couldn't adore you more! I can't help but dress you up every day and take a ton of pictures of you. I know how badly I will miss these times. I want to soak you in. As I listen to your monitor at night my heart races when I think your choking or not breathing. I have to go in and put my hand in front of your mouth to check. You have always been okay, but I don't know what I would do without you. The thought makes me cry. I am so sad to think you will be eating solids soon and won't need our nursing times as much. I fear I will be one of those women who nurse until your five! I don't want to let you grow up. I am thankful for the time in Italy as I was thinking of having you and I was on the top of a high mountain in San Marino and I went by myself to pray about you, and immediately got my answer. I am thankful god was so blunt with me. I need that. You were so ready to come to our family. I am so blessed. To my darling daughter, I am so very lucky to know you  I love you   love, Mom