Yellow Jelly bean

Sometimes I dream of living out in the country and raising babies.. I guess I crave the simple life.

Letting my kids play without worrying about them getting kidnapped, run over yadda yadda.

Truth is? I'm a suburb kinda girl. 

I can't handle the wild outdoors.. One word- snakes. That's enough to send me back to reality.

But when you're three, things like that don't ever cross your mind.

When you're three, things are simple.

 I envy three.

These pictures evoke emotion in me.
Seeing the wonder in her eyes. Seeing the world as new and exciting.

I long for the days of three. 

Hope of what you will grow up to be, instead of the now of what you became.

Remember getting bored as a kid?

I can hardly remember what that feels like anymore, to be bored.

I envy the time she spends lounging and watching a movie, or playing make believe.

I want to look back and remember good times.

These pictures will help me to capture the essence of her before time takes this her away.

I can barely remember the five month old Chloe, but when I 

see the snippets of memories I captured  I can remember her then.

The absurdity of parenting small children in general is crazy hard at times.

These moments help me laugh before I give up and cry. And then, when I DO cry, they help me feel less of a failure and much more like I was NORMAL but could also maybe, just maybe be GOOD sometimes, too.  

When I see these, I see Happy.
 I like to think she is.

I like to think she doesn't get phased by the mistakes I make raising her.

I hope that's the case. 

It's not pretty, a lot of the time. 

But when it IS pretty, it is BREATHTAKING.

That is what I want to remember. The breathtaking. The sweet. The HAPPY.

Three has been pretty good to us. There is so much that has changed since three has come.

She has adapted.

So much more that I thought she could.

The end of toddlerhood is at hand, and I can't believe we are on the cusp of little girl.

Pre-school starts in two weeks.

Ballet begins.

I remember my mother used to call me her "yellow jelly bean"

She said I brighten her life.

These silly little things are the things that stuck with me,

 and I hope that my girls can remember the same kind of things.

My dear sweet girl you are MY little yellow jelly bean..

My girls

Although I had major worries about these two and how they would get along, somehow it's been nothing like I thought. Instead of Chloe trying to attack or harm the baby she has been very sweet. She loves her "baby diaper".

Chloe tries often to comfort her sister. She doesn't "over help" or get jealous of her like I thought she might. She is a great older sister and I feel really lucky that so far we don't have any issues with the pair.

Chloe loves to try to get the baby to smile. Piper isn't that into Chloe yet. She prefers me all most of the time.

I like the look on Piper's face in this next picture. I can picture her saying " Uh mom this little person is holding me!"

Pie was done after a minute.. Love these girls!

Silly Chloe

This little girl is a "free spirit" so much energy, and sas. Hard to keep up with, into everything, mischievous, and one of the most naturally funny people I know..

Chloe loves her boots. She will wear them with anything.. Bathings suits included. I suppose it's a good idea since she did step on a bee and got stung two days in a row..

See that mischievous face? She's about to splash me with with water.. 

Chloe- "Gotta keep those boots near by so the bees don't bite me!"

As difficult as raising a three year old is.. This smile makes it all worth it. Love my girls!!

You Are My Sunshine

This weekend we took the girls to the sunflower fields. Chloe has always been a fan of sunflower seeds so we thought she would like to see the flowers. She loved them. We got some adorable candid shots of her exploring the field.

The day wouldn't be complete without picking a few for the ride home.. Sorry sunflower farmers! 

She loves to smell flowers, but sunflowers aren't all that yummy and floral smelling. She found that out quickly.

This chair just happened to be on the side of the road...

Baby Piper Jane

Oh little Piper Jane how you have changed our lives forever. You are a beautiful sweet little thing. Petite as can be. I am so happy we captured such great shots of you. Daddy was a huge help in taking these newborn shots. I would even say he was the mastermind with all of the best ideas for your shoot. He has such an eye for these things.

These pictures were taken in your first week. You are now 6 weeks old, weighing 9 lbs 21.5 inches long! You are getting the old man bald ring just like your older sister did. I am going to be so sad to have to "blend" that in and cut any of your strawberry colored hair off. I worry it is going to grow back blonde. Although you will be pretty either way, I just am so excited about your pretty color.

Initially you looked very similar to your sister, but now I can't see it. You have your own look and I have no idea if you look like me or daddy.

I can't wait to capture your sweet adorable smile on camera. For now you give them out only on occasion. 

You love to be held, and you are very strong for a newborn. Always trying to hold your head up, and great with tummy time. You started rolling over at 2.5 weeks, but only from your tummy to your back.

You are a good sleeper at night. You usually fall asleep for the night around ten, and only wake up 2 sometimes 3 times in the night. Morning hours (from 4-7) are restless for you and you are too tired to be awake, and too awake to be asleep. You have given me a couple of 6 hour stretches, but rare. You have a hard time transferring into your bed during the day, because you prefer to be held.

We started you on acid reflux medicine trying to help you feel better around 5 weeks and you are doing so much better. Week 2-5 was heartbreaking. Now we all feel so much better.

Your sister Chloe has done really well with you. We all thought she wouldn't, but she has. She loves to rub your head and say "hi baby diaper" in a sweet whisper voice.

You love your paci.

You spit up a lot.

You love looking at fans and moving objects.

You prefer to be cuddled in the cradle position.

You hide your face in my arms when you are tired.

You have blue eyes.

You prefer your legs straight out.

This moment

I am writing this post while bouncing my sweet crying newborn and it devastates me to admit it... my beautiful baby is one of THOSE babies. A colicky baby.

I have a colicky baby... again

Why is that so hard to come to terms with?

Why do I worry so much about labeling her?

 She is so much more than fussy.

I want other people to see that too. She is sweet and cuddly and alert and an old soul that has eyes that connect with my spirit. I want our family and friends to love her, not hand her back.

Not compare her.

Not talk about her negatively in anyway.

She is my little baby. She is innocent and deserves connection, acceptance, and love.

We all want our babies to be the "the Gerber babe": Nurse like a champ. Sleep through the night. Contentedly coo in a bouncy chair. Self-soothe. Charm everyone they come in contact with.  Pose perfectly and take perfect pictures. 

The ultimate Angel Baby.

When  things turn out differently, there's this grieving period, I think. Mourning the baby you THOUGHT you might get and coming to peace with the baby you have. Pretty as she is, as much as I cherish her, I have been working through those less-charming feelings and emotions. The truth is it's not just her it's me. If I were someone else I could handle it better. If I didn't get overwhelmed so easy. These are the things we NEVER want to admit to people:

I just want to check into a hotel alone for a couple of days. Eat, sleep and watch tv.

I wish being a mother of two was still an exciting "someday" and not a difficult NOW.

It's not fair that I get robbed of enjoying my newborns.

These aren't pretty feelings. It puts knots in my stomach to confess them, and I am daily struggling to reconcile them and get through to the other side. Dealing with my faith at times like these is rough. 

Did you not hear my prayers for an easy baby? 

Is this not my dream job? I signed up for this willingly!?

Why did I do this again?

Isn't it hard enough dealing with the stresses of juggling two children's needs and the fog of sleep deprivation and the baby blues?

I'm pretty hard on myself these days... I feel foggy. Inadequate. I feel frustrated. I need to keep going to see the light at the end and to keep pushing to get there.

I could write about it all day... talking about what makes it "colic", describe why I think it might be acid reflux, talk about how I have gone off dairy to see if it helps. Go into the details of how she seems to know when I am not using both my hands to soothe her, and immediately wails until I give both hands back to her. I could talk about all of the suggestions I will get. It's all been said and done. I have tried it all. In the past and now again. Not that I don't appreciate advice and theories... I've just been dealing with this for so long already that most of the conversations have been had. I have read all of the books, the advice on slings, shushing, swaddling, swinging, car rides, white noise. 

Gripe water? We give it to her. I think it's a placebo for ME more than anything. Mylicon? We use it. Allergies? Maybe. I just talked my pediatrician and he nonchalantly tells me to try cutting out cabbage, broccoli etc. I wish there were more of an urgency to help my seemingly in pain little one. But it's common enough that there isn't.

The truth is, among all the tricks, ideas, stories, and everything, it's probably just going to take TIME. The cure of TIME.

 What it is, is a sweet baby that is high-maintenance and needy. Very particular in what works to calm her, to get her to sleep, to keep her asleep. There is a LOT of crying. Intense crying. We're lucky that she's not the WORST colicky baby ever--- we do get some good days, and good half-days. But when it's bad, it's exhausting, and frays the nerves of everyone in the house. 

So. For now... it's just good for my heart to get the story out. To confess that my baby isn't the Angel Baby we all hope for. To purge a bit of the guilt for feeling frustrated at my life right now. It's not pretty. Any of it. Her crying. My feelings. The mood in the house a lot of days. But. We're managing.

 My main goal is to get through it and come out still excited. Unchanged in my hopes of her. For now I will look upon her sweet sleeping face and let myself love every bit of her while she is quiet and still. Find new ways to do things with one hand. Accept help. Accept that I look a mess and my house reflects my state. I am trying to pray more. I am trying to listen to what I am supposed to learn from all of this. Trying not to let myself think I deserve this, or think that it's punishment.

Much of the time, I am just coping. Getting from one moment to the next. But sometimes, things are good. Sometimes she is alert, curious, and Chloe is petting her and talking sweetly to her, and Adam is playing with our Chloe and giving her the attention she needs.

 We are a team and  I am so thankful for him.

 He has really stepped up.

Little things get us through. 

I don't want to lose this entire period of her life, when she is so perfectly tiny and lovely, to grief and stress. I am grateful for the photos I worked so hard to get in her  first week of life...  

I want to remember her tiny toes and strawberry blonde hair. 

I want to remember the incredible circle of support and amazing meals everyone so selflessly provided.

I want to remember her little piercing eyes. Her perfect little lips. Her cheerio mouth. 

I want to remember how she slept in our arms ALL THE TIME (And love that we got that time with her instead of resenting that it took us away from other things.)

I want to remember the incredible joy I feel when she gives us 10 or 15 minutes of sweetness and contentedness.

I just..... just want to remember that this, even this, is beautiful.

So. That's all for now.  This baby wants BOTH my hands most of the day, and I'm gonna give them to her. She needs me. And I'm okay with that. because one day she won't, and I'll wish I was back in this moment holding and rocking my warm sweet little newborn.

Three

This weekend our little Chloe turned three! We had her a simple little party this year at the park. Chloe and her best friend Scarlett always find trouble when they get together! 

They started out innocent enough...

They got into the streamers and turned themselves into mummies. 

We had a cupcake pinata that I think we must have overfilled with candy because just a couple of hits from Westin and and it busted wide open. Here he is warning Scarlett to stand back because he is about to hit a homerun. The kids loved it!

Then the girls got into the bubble machine and "swam" in the bubbles... until it got into their eyes...over and over again. At least they were clean after all of the soap from the bubbles.

Thanks Courtney for taking care of that fiasco!

Little Piper Jane slept through the whole thing on grandmas lap.

Scar and chloe couldn't help getting their fingers into the birthday cake..

All of a sudden the wind picked up, and we couldn't light the candle, so Chloe blew out the lighter. She didn't mind though.

Happy birthday my little big girl. You are now three!